After thyroid surgery in which cancer was discovered, I worried about whether I would regain my energy level and if radioactive therapy would be required. Had a “normal life,” as I knew it, ended? Would I have strength to continue my priorities as a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a church staff member? At a women’s retreat, a sound technician told me gently that the mic I was using didn’t add enough vitality to my voice. She kindly gave me a stronger one, but her comment created big questions about the future. Speaking had been an area of ministry for me for the past twenty years. Had that ministry ended?

A friend to whom I confided my fears said jokingly that I sounded like I was having an identity crisis. I associate identity crises with middle-aged men buying red convertibles, I said. We laughed, but I wasn’t laughing inside.

In the next few weeks, however, God used my “identity crisis” to teach me truth I knew in my head - but truth that needed to be known in my heart. Surely You desire truth in the inner parts; You teach me wisdom in the inmost place (Psalm 51:6). The death of a vision - the loss of a dream - can drive us to our knees, where we come face-to-face with our true identity.

Miriam’s Identity

In her early years, Miriam’s identity was built around family relationships. The brave little girl approached the princess of Egypt to intercede for her mother Jochebed. Because of Miriam’s courage, Jochebed was given the opportunity to become Moses’ “wet nurse.”

Later, Miriam “the prophetess” doubled as a “prayer warrior” who interceded for her people in their misery under Egyptian rule.

And since Moses was 80 when God called him to lead his people out of Egypt, Miriam the worship leader must have been nearing 85 when she led the women in song and dance after the crossing of the Red Sea!

Sing unto the Lord, sing praise unto the Lord,

For he has triumphed gloriously!

Sing unto the Lord, sing praise unto the Lord,

The horse and rider He has thrown into the sea.

Sing unto the Lord, sing praise unto the Lord,

Sing a joyous song of victory. (Exodus 15)

We can visualize Miriam’s face lifted to the skies as she leads Israel in her song of praise. In her face there is strength of character, perseverance, determination - characteristics cultivated by a life dedicated to the struggle of the young nation of Israel. Miriam the prophetess - a woman inspired to teach God’s ways and God’s purposes!

But I would imagine an 85-year-old’s energy level was waning by the time she finished her triumphant song and dance. And, in such a strong personality, it’s almost inevitable that the meaning of her name should be fulfilled - “rebellion.” When we’re physically exhausted, we’re also very vulnerable emotionally. So here’s Miriam facing the challenges of a desert wilderness, surrounded by people who all too soon were ready to trade their manna, the food God had supplied, for the onions, fish and cucumbers they had in Egypt. They were also all too ready to trade in their praise choruses to Jehovah for an ode of worship to a golden calf that Miriam’s own brother Aaron built.

How did Miriam feel about that? Especially when brother Moses, coming down from Mount Sinai, reflected the anger of God, breaking the tablets of the Ten Commandments, then storming back up the mountain to talk to God again, leaving Miriam in the dust. Did she take Moses’ anger personally?

Adding to the stress, Miriam’s sister-in-law, Moses’ wife Zipporah, entered the scene. What timing! A desert shepherdess, probably the oldest of seven sisters, Zipporah may have been a strong, take-charge kind of woman - perhaps younger than Miriam, perhaps full of new and better ideas about how to do everything. It appears that Miriam never married, so her family relationships had probably continued to center around her brothers. Did Miriam feel left out and abandoned when Zipporah and her father Jethro took the Mt. Sinai camp by surprise - not to mention Moses and Zipporah’s two sons, Gershom and Eliezer, the nephews Miriam had probably never met? (Exodus 4:18-26, 18)

After all those years of trying to live for the Lord and set an example of a godly woman, it seems that Miriam caved in. Once I was my brother’s rescuer, but now he has his own family. He doesn’t need me anymore. Nobody needs me. I’m too old to be a worship leader anymore, too tired to dance. Once I was known as Miriam the prophetess, but now people think I’ve lost that gift. They think I’ve lost it completely; they no longer ask what God is saying to me... just Moses. Everyone is in awe of Moses with that shining face of his. But he’s made his share of mistakes - look at the time when he was supposed to speak to the rock, and he hit it instead! Well, I’m not about to listen to a wild desert-born sister-in-law or her sheep-herding father. What do they know about the God of Israel?

Have you ever felt like Miriam as she shared her criticism of Moses with brother Aaron? Years of complaints about the leader they had known from childhood came tumbling out. Has the Lord spoken only through Moses? Hasn’t He spoken through us, too?

But the Lord heard them ... and the Cloud that Miriam had followed through the desert was now calling Miriam’s name!

Miriam! Rebellion! Bitterness! Miriam!

If God called your name today ... what would your name be?

The Lord summoned Moses, Aaron and Miriam to the Tabernacle. Then the Lord descended in the Cloud and stood at the entrance to the Tabernacle. “Aaron and Miriam, step forward,” He commanded, and they did. And the Lord said to them, “Even with a prophet, I would communicate by visions and dreams; but that is not how I communicate with my servant Moses. He is completely at home in My house! With him I speak face to face! And he shall see the very form of God! Why then were you not afraid to criticize him?”

Then the anger of the Lord grew hot against them, and He departed. As the Cloud moved from above the Tabernacle, Miriam suddenly became white with leprosy. When Aaron saw what had happened, he cried out to Moses, “Oh, sir, do not punish us for this sin; we were fools to do such a thing. Don’t let her be as one dead, whose body is half rotted away at birth.” (Numbers 12, Living Bible)

If you stood in Moses’ sandals, and your own brother and sister had joined in the mutiny against you, how would you react?

Now Moses was the meekest man on earth ...and Moses cried out to the Lord, “Heal her, O God, I beg you!”

What if Moses hadn’t been willing to forgive?

If you ever experienced an identity crisis, did you believe Satan’s lie or God’s truth?